To Old Friends...

Last week I turned 35...
Felt like kind of a milestone. I decided for the first time in my adult life that I wanted to do something as a family with Alex, Don & his girls. We opted to take a trip to Adventureland in Des Moines. An amusement park of sorts a bit more child oriented than say Great America. It was fun. The kids had a blast & I think us grown ups did too. However, there was bit of a cloud hanging over me that I will try to explain.

I have a point...I think.

Years ago, I had a boyfriend that was in a Hard Core Metal rockband. Through him I became friends with some of the greatest people I have ever met. Curtis Butterfield was the singer (so to speak) in a band called Uphold. He kinda scared me at first. I remembered going to school with him but I never really knew him then. I know now I missed out...Curtis was so nice and was always willing to listen to me. My early 20's were a mess but the times I spent with Curtis, Al, Chad, Rob, Hollie & Coach were so helpful to me. I can only hope that I make a difference in someone life they way they did in mine.

Curtis had an accident back in November. While things were getting better, a turn for the worse has been taken. Curtis is going to die. That is so hard for me to say. So many things to say about it but the words wont't come out. I used to believe that when the end of the world came there would still be Twinkies, Cockroaches & Curtis Butterfield.

The last time I saw Curtis was at the Filling Station having lunch about a year ago. In those few minutes of talking we caught up like no time had ever passed. He told me about Clara, his daughter and showed me a picture. I too showed him pictures of Alex and we laughed about how funny our kids are. I hugged him good-bye & said I would see him around.

Now I see him often...
I see his pictures, read about the end of this life & how his family is coping. I read about the students who he made a difference in their lives. His wife is so strong. I guess you never know what is in you until you are faced with it. Her blog is: http://www.curtisbutterfield.com/

Why is it that we always have so many things to say when it is too late???
I leave you with a blog from Curtis himself:
http://tekmet.blogspot.com/2008/05/when-i-die.html

-a

Post #3

So here I am...except its Tuesday (not Monday)
The week started off a bit rough with the weather so my usual Monday night offering was delayed to this evening. Oh well, Alex is asleep (coughing though every so often), Jessie is also sleeping (on her princess pillow), the Ipod charging and downloading the show I wanted to start watching called Being Human and the music is flowing nicely...
Music where I would be without you...
Lets put this blog on shuffle and see what we get...
Right now I am listening to Samantha Mumba - Gotta Tell You - this makes me think of a night when Tiff and I picked up Tammy Reed & her friend (who's name escapes me) before we went to JR's - and Tammy & her friend were breaking it down in the backseat singing and dancing to this song...Good times
Next song: Missing you by John Waite. Its a good song...may have to Karaoke this again. I love the slow meaningful songs. The last time I was out, I tried "What hurts the most" for the first time and I rocked it. I still have those Idol dreams but I know I am only a superstar in my head.
3rd song: Too little too late by JoJo - I am a sucker for a cheezy pop song. I wonder what this girl is doing now...she was a cute little thing and really could sing.
4th song: F**kin' Perfect by P!nk - this is what I have been trying to tell myself every morning when I get up. No one else needs to think it...I need to believe it in myself. If you havent heard this song...you should.
5th song: I told you so by Carrie Underwood - I have sang this song a zillion times. Gives me chills everytime. The original by Randy Travis is also a great version but Carrie nails it with her vocals. I love that I can make a room stop and when I am done people say that I am awesome...I dont take praise very well but it makes me feel on top of the world.
I guess I rambled a bit for this week...LOL
Still no FB...I am staying strong
until next time
-a

Week 2...

Welcome to week 2...So far so good I think.

I am remembering to blog...that has to count for something. I am currently watching Hoarders. This show is a reminder to me to not be this way...OMG...its crazyness.

This week I am going to hit 2 topics...maybe 3.

The first is my life without facebook is going okay. I have been without it since January 2nd and I really dont miss it. People still make fun and they have bets on how long it will be before I give up but I am staying strong. I cant wait for a month...that will really show them.

Going a long with that is my other New Year's resolution...to be in better contact with my Mom's side of the family. This side I havent always been good about being in contact with. The glue that kept us all together was my Mom & my Gramma Margie. They have been gone for 15 years now and that is a long time to keep distance. No more...I am going to make an effort every week. I hope that it wont be for nothing...I feel the need to reconnect. So far they have been the most supportive of my situation...that means a lot to me.

I have been thinking a lot about where I want my life to go. I have so many dreams and aspirations but feel that there is no way to acheive them...I would love to go back to school and get my nursing degree. I would love to deliver babies or work in pediatrics. However, there is no money for me to do this right now. Bills have to be paid, Alex has to be cared for, etc.
I dream at night sometimes of having enough money to do the things I want to do in life. Be able to go to school, buy a house, go on a family vacation & just live comfortably and not worry about things.

I guess that is why they call them dreams...right???

2011 - The beginning

Hello Blog World...long time no speak...

I know its been awhile but I have made a promise that 2011 I will be better at this and will do my best to blog every week. I need an outlet to put my feelings into...

My resolutions this year...I quit Facebook. I did it...me...the Facebook junkie. So far I dont really miss it. I thought I would but really I dont...

Its amazing how I let this one place rule my life. I was always checking it. Always wondering what was going on in the FB world. I found myself being more and more consumed by it. So I quit..

2011 has to be better than my 2010...

2010 was a year with many ups and downs. 2009 didnt end great. I should have seen that as a sign. I didnt see what happened this year coming...I just wanted to find my happiness...I lost something in me. I wasnt happy at home...I will say that up front. Jason wasnt happy either. After losing his job and not taking his meds...he fell into a depression that sucked him into his man cave. He & I werent partners...we basically were living in the same house but seperate lives.

In March, I met someone...it was just a harmless friendship from FB. He made me laugh, we talked for hours, he listened to me and would even watch crappy TV with me. He would go do things with me. That was important. It was nice to have someone to just go do something with me as a group. It sounds silly but when you are a social person, its important. Jason didnt have the same likes as me...he was content in his cave while I pursued my social activities.

From this...I made mistakes. I can say that I should have done things differently. However, hindsight is always 20/20. I was happy...how could something so wrong be right at the same time? I look at mistakes as lessons though and no matter how bad they are and how much they might hurt...I know what I wont do again. I do not believe that sins of the past have to rule your future.

I know I have disappointed a lot of friends & family. I lied to some of them because I didnt know how to come right out and say what I felt. Some who have found out have opted to no longer speak to me or consider me part of their family. This is something that I have to live with...I have said I am sorry till I am blue in the face...and as I told someone I dont need to be told what a horrible person I am and that I am ruining my life. I feel bad enough but all I can do is go forward...

And I am going forward...

I am working on being the best Mom I can be for Alex. I am working on being a better person.

I am still in love with my friend. He and I are taking things day by day. We have some bad days but its a work in progress. I dont expect it to be perfect and I know the odds are stacked against us. However, good bad or indifferent...I am happy.

Until next time...